It Happened Today

Dear Reader,

I started to feel at peace in my heart today. This is a huge moment for me because I have been trying to ‘find’ this feeling for about 4 years now.

I had this feeling for many years. No matter what was happening in my life, I could smile genuinely and sing and hum. My husband often wondered what was going on with me 🙂

I allowed so many obstacles to stand in my way and steal my joy. Now, though not as much as I should, I am focused on God and what He wants for me and from me. Lord Jesus is here with me and the Holy Spirit is aflame in my heart once more!

I am thankful and grateful and so very happy!! Praise God!!

With love,

j

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Strength through God

I was near tears this morning. I have allowed life to poke me in the heart and stress me. Bring sadness into my heart. Lose focus. Then, I read the following:

“Rejoice in the Lord always: and again I say, Rejoice.

5 Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand.

6 Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.

7 And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

9 Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you.

(Philippians 4: 4-9, KJV)

God and Lord Jesus are my strength and courage!

Additionally, Isaiah 41:10:

Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.

I am blessed. God and Lord Jesus are ALWAYS with me and ALWAYS awesome, amazing, beyond mere words!!

The Past

November 12, 2018 (started on that date)

 

Thinking a lot about my days growing up. The neighbors. My family. Church. School. Things I said and did alone as well with my brother and the entire family Remembering how boring I thought Uncle John’s stories were when I was very young but loved them once I was about 14. So much remembering. Is this what happens once you reach 50?? I am not sorry at all.

What I am is missing those times. Missing my youth. Not my age. I don’t care about that number. I care about my memories. The wonderful feelings that are evoked from sitting and thinking about ‘how it was’.

My Mom LOVED the holidays. She was nearly like a little girl. Christmas was her favorite time of the entire year. And Christmas started as soon as Thanksgiving ended.

Boxes of decorations were brought out of the basement. Each one marked with the name of the lovely ornament or bobble or tree etc. that was inside. Some boxes contained more than one item. Some contained surprises. The extra items in the box were not marked on the box so SURPRISE! Mom loved finding these unmarked treasures.

Each decoration had a place. Every year a new decoration was added. My Mom handmade several of the decorations from my youngest days. The house looked like a Christmas store. I miss that. I miss my Mom’s infectious joy. Her eyes sparkled.

I miss the family gatherings. I miss waiting for Dad to be home from work to celebrate holidays and birthdays or any occasion. I miss the talking and the laughter and, on occasion, the tears.

I miss overeating on Thanksgiving after we watched the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade. I miss my parents yelling at the TV during football games. I miss watching with true delight all of the Christmas shows every single year. Thankful that my Mom delighted in them so much so we were guaranteed to watch them ❤

I miss the stories my parents told of their youth. I miss Uncle John’s stories of his youth. I miss Uncle John wanting jelly eggs at Easter. Not jelly beans but jelly eggs. I miss his delight in my brother and myself opening presents and getting ready for church. I miss hearing his radio gospel music and him quietly singing. I miss the joy on his face when we took him with us to visit Aunt Ida. I am still sure to this day that he was in love with her. (She was NOT related to us. Aunt was a title of love and respect.) I plain and simple miss HIM.

What I miss is family. Family that is not pretentious but loves to laugh and joke and hug and live a simple life. I miss MY family. The gatherings. The laughter. The joy and happiness and sparkle surrounding everyone. Making every moment special. Telling stories. Yelling at the TV. Watching parades on TV. Being together and being present.

Togetherness and presence are what I miss. Everyone is so busy and distracted. No one plays with the children or buys candy to wind them all up or gives them silly gifts that are just for fun (like bubbles). No sitting and actually watching the parade or the game. No story telling. Not even in my family.

I yearn for my youth and what WAS. And, I cannot have that back. Dad and Mom and Uncle John are all gone. The decorations are lost. (Don’t ask. That is a VERY angry and sore point with me!) So, what do I do?

I pray to have what it takes to finally start my own traditions. Next year. Maybe find some of the older styled lights and decorations. Find crafts to make my own decoration. Make foods and decorations and celebrations filled with my laughter and joy and happiness and sparkle. Take plenty of pictures and maybe even some videos. Share them with everyone ❤ Let my love and joy shine through!!

I might be 50, but I think I will have plenty of time to start and continue some fabulous traditions. Who will I ‘pass them down’ to, though?

Sometimes I wonder if not having children stopped me from trying. Trying to celebrate and decorate and start traditions. Not sure if that is true or not. That is not stopping me though!

I will decorate no matter where I live nor what type of home I have. No more Debbie Downer about no family or friends being around. Decorate for me I will…and my husband, of course. Share with others. Find my inner happiness and light and show it to the world!!

God and Lord Jesus and the Holy Spirit will be with me…always ❤

I can and will do this. Thank you for ‘listening’ dear reader! Let’s see what the new year will bring ❤

My Wish For Christmas

Dear Reader,

I know that our Lord and Savior is the reason to celebrate December 25th. I keep that in my heart all year long ❤ 

Today, on the representation of His birth, I asked God for a favor. I asked that I have ‘what it takes’ to clean my home so it sparkles and fill the freezer with easy foods for my husband to fix himself. Then, I asked that He take me to my forever home. 

I know that is not how it works. God doesn’t bargain nor grant wishes. I know I don’t really want to leave this earth quite yet. (Though He IS in charge of that!) I know it was a moment of feeling really down. Still, it was my thought for the moment.

The holidays were such happy times for me. They have become a hassel in the last few years. I keep praying for that joy and peace to be found again. Yesterday, Christmas Eve, I had some of it. Today it is gone again. I know where to focus and who to focus upon. I need to do that though!

I pray all of you are fairing well. Lean on those around you if the holidays bring sadness or even depression. We all should be here to celebrate 2019! 

I love you. Please seek help if you need more than a shoulder to cry on. 

I will be praying and focusing more starting today. What do you need me to pray about?

Love….j 

Proverbs 5 and Anger

Dear Reader,

Today, as a part of my reading, I read through Proverbs 5 again. I am angry, reader. And, deep in my heart, hurt.

I am angry at him. Angry at myself. Sometimes angry at God though I know none of this is His fault! I take the burden on my shoulders even though J is a part of this equally. More so if I am being honest. Being this angry is not good for anyone. Long term, it is destructive. I push it aside and focus on God and Lord Jesus. I become calm and find some peace. 

When faced with the fact that J is much like the ‘son’ in Proverbs 5, looking into another ‘cistern’, I find the anger again. And, in all honesty, dear reader, hurt. Deep painful hurt that brings me to tears if I allow them to form. 

All of the questions form and I go through each one and try again to answer them. Why am I not good enough? How can he? What can I do to change this? Why do I put up with this? What is so wrong with me? And on and on until I am nearly depressed. 

And this is how I have lived for more than 10 years of my 15 year marriage. Yes, I have wanted to walk away. I have cried while telling him how I feel. I have yelled and screamed and literally pounded on the table while telling him how I feel. He looks at me irritated when I am angry. He looks at me with sympathetic eyes when I am crying. He continues ‘doing his thing’. Which, in the face of me being open about how I feel, makes me wonder if he honestly, deep in his heart, loves me. If he cares… I find it hard to believe he truly does and continues in this pursuit that breaks my heart.

The only peace I find is returning to God and Lord Jesus and the Holy Spirit over and over and over. I stray. I fail. I give ‘lip service’ to Them. I crash. I burn a bit. I refocus and refresh then I renew my journey. I become closer to Them and let Them handle J. I cannot do a thing to change him or what he does. I need to remind myself often that I can only change me and how I respond. And, for me, I can only change by focusing on God and all He has for me! 

I don’t always stray or fail or give lip service, etc. I do have times that I am fully focused and engaged and listening to God and Lord Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I am so focused that I am able to separate myself from J and what he is doing. I smile and hum and sing through my day, serving God. I am still trying to recharge and renew after failing and falling really far recently. 

They will help me and guide me, if I allow Them. And, I need to let go and give this situation to Them again. I need to find that peace and happiness I have had before. I deserve it. And, I need to be my best self for Them ❤ 

My anger has dissipated. I am calmer. I feel more focused. 

Dear reader, if you are troubled, please give it to God and let Him take care of it! He is there for you and will help you!! Peace and happiness will abound in your heart once more! 

 

Wicked Witchcraft

There is a version of a song simply named “Witchcraft” sung by Frank Sinatra. The song is about the bewitching of the man by the woman. Bewitched, according to Merriam-Webster online, is defined as controlled or affected by or as if by a magic spell. Some might say that the power of a woman over a man, is, at times, bewitching 😉

Now, for the real reason of writing. It is a caution for all parents to be wary of what they allow their precious children to watch on TV or in the movies. What books they read. Games they play. Answer questions directly. Explain as much as their minds can handle. Always.

And, here is my reasoning for that paragraph, dear reader. When I was quite young, I would watch “Bewitched” on TV. You might know…Samantha and Darren. The lovely little witch housewife married to a mortal. I loved the show! I wanted so much to be Sam…a witch that could clean the house and make the best meals with a snap of my fingers. I didn’t know any better. I was about 6 when I was watching it. My parents watched it too. My mother told me it was impossible to do what Sam was doing. Further, she assured me there were no witches. (She honestly didn’t know!)

I continued to want to be a witch. I wanted to be like Sam or Glenda (Wizard of Oz). I didn’t want to hurt anyone. My mind saw life made easier. That is how I saw witchcraft and that is all I knew of it at the time.

Now, reader, here is something I don’t often tell others, but I am willing to add it here. When I was about 8, I started making small predictions. I honestly predicted who would win baseball games and what would happen the next day at school and when people were in trouble or ill. I could feel it within me and ‘see’ it at times. I know it seems crazy or evil, but that was and is my gift/curse. My Mom started calling me her little witch. I was delighted because I wanted to be a witch and because Mom seemed to enjoy the back-and-forth between herself and me on the subject.

I have investigated witchcraft seriously over the years, before becoming born-again. My reasoning was not about casting spells. I felt more ‘right’ around animals and in nature. I felt like I communicated with God much better outside, almost as if the walls of the house interfered with my talking to God. I wanted to combine any knowledge I could ascertain about ‘potions’ to healing myself and my family. No eye of newt and leg of toad stuff. More, what flowers or branches or bark or oils would mix together to help with a cold? Can I burn certain herbs to keep the house fresh and the air clean? I was learning there were ways to use nature to make life easier and happier and more balanced. I kept looking.

I tried so hard to ‘bend the rules’ and be a witch AND a Christian. After I looked for quite some time, I found information about Christian witches. I nearly cried. I read everything in the few articles and looked up all the words I didn’t understand. Then, I sighed. The “Christians” were not Christian. At least, they didn’t believe the Bible in the manner I do. Not even close, actually. At that point, I gave up the search. I remained faithful to God and His Word.

I have studied the religion and the history. I have a book about the witch hunts and trials I am still fascinated by the idea of the home or kitchen witch. I DO NOT cross the line though and read on becoming a witch. In fact, I pray for strength in this area of horrible weakness. Often.

And yes, dear reader, the idea…the thought…the desire…all started with a seemingly benign show and a ‘make life easier’ concept of a witch.

Love,

j…ever failing but continuing to try Christian lady

Marriage: The Ugly

THIS IS ADULT CONTENT. YOU MAY COMMENT. PLEASE BE WARNED THIS IS ADULT CONTENT!

What happens though when one person is pursuing a path that is not good for the marriage? I mentioned addictions. Cheating is another bad path. Being in trouble with the law will certainly strain or even break a marriage.

There are less toxic things that will harm the marriage. One person being more focused on his/her career, job, friends, family, or entertainment activities than the marriage and the partner.  Sure, this will happen now and then, but if it happens on a daily basis issues are sure to arise.

I started something that snowballed into a horrible toxic issue in my marriage. I try to not punch myself daily, but it is hard not to when I am reminded daily about the mistake I made.

I am not the little boring housewife when I cross the threshold to the bedroom. I love variety and spice. I talked to and showed my husband some roads to spice and variety. He not only peeked at the roads, he travelled down them and then fell into ‘the rabbit hole’.

Now, he takes hours to try and find another woman to share our home with, even with my protests and tears. He sees this as an answer to all that ails us on a deeper level. His desires that I won’t fulfill will be fulfilled by her. He thinks it will be a help for me to have a companion to do things with when work keeps him busy. There is so much more, but I believe that is enough.

Still, I stay. Not out of some deep love of him, but out of deep love of God. God hates divorce or putting away one’s spouse.

Malachi 2:16 KJV

16 For the Lord, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away: for one covereth violence with his garment, saith the Lord of hosts: therefore take heed to your spirit, that ye deal not treacherously.”

You do not need to agree. This is my belief and I stand by it. I do pray for deeper focus on God and Lord Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I do pray for peace and calmness through this seemingly eternal storm. I pray to remain the kind and loving wife until the day God takes me home.

I am human though. I am not sure how life will go tomorrow and next week and next year. I do know I must remain faithful to God! I will be the lady He wants me to be.

Yet, I may step from the path and beg for His forgiveness if marriage becomes too much for me to handle. YES…I know that will be a sin for me to bear. I will do it though to save my sanity. Or escape abuse.

You may, dear reader, comment. Be kind, please.

Please read the story of Abigail in 1 Samuel 25.

Thinking First

I was going to complain, but as I formulated my thoughts, I found a blessing in disguise. I found out today that I have arthritis in my right ankle. The area and part of my leg are swollen. The doctor is concerned about the swelling since it could become cellulitis. I am to be off my foot and have it raised as much as possible.
Well, that is not working since my husband is having weird anxiety/stress spells that give him horrible headaches and other issues so I need to help him with many tasks.
I was a little gumbly since I am injured and should be resting. So, I was going to complain. But, I realized God has blessed me with good medicine to help me and a brace we purchased for my ankle and I am able to get around for small periods at a time and help my husband!!!
What an amazing blessing!!! Thank You God ❤ ❤ My eternal Healer ❤ Making me well enough to help my husband ❤ AMEN

Finding Happiness

Started October 26, 2018 at 5:19 AM

More stray thoughts

I was so excited when we first moved to Nevada. Yeah, it is Las Vegas, but in a quieter area called Sunmerlin. We are renting still, but it is a 1600+ square foot home with a back yard. And a garage.  Honestly, I am truly blessed. Having a home should not be a luxury, but it often is even here in the US. I digress though.

J is working. I am going to school. We have health insurance. I am looking for a job. Could it be going any better? In many ways, no.

Still, I am unhappy. Yes, I know I toted the idea of being blessed and I am blessed to have so many comforts. And, I AM.

Unhappy within myself from my surroundings. Not the home or car or back yard. Well, the back yard a little since it is sand and stones. And weeds that die from the heat before I need to kill them.

And there is that: the horrible heat. It is autumn and 82F will be the high today (the 27th). I have no family or friends here. I miss his family and my family. There is nothing to do here! No zoos. Aquariums. Parks. Nothing that I enjoy.

J is not happy either.

Now, we are starting to talk about moving, again. Maybe to a different area within Nevada. Maybe back to the west coast. Or, if I can get this to work out, near my family ❤

I honestly want my final home. I place to cherish and build a life with family and friends that visit 😊 Not the building itself, but a place that is a refuge from the world and a lovely place to gather. Grow roots. A place filled with heart and happiness. And no more moving.

So, the next place might be it. Fingers crossed. And everything else will fall into place.

Dear God, Lord Jesus, and Holy Spirit: please, if it be your will, let it be. I want and need the comfort of family and friends in a happy setting that brings extra joy to my heart. AMEN

Feeling like all is dust

I read a post by Lysa Terkeurst today entitled “Shattered Beyond Repair”. You can find the post here.

Lysa talks about moments in life that become so shattered they are like dust. She goes on to state that God can take dust and make something/someone new. 

Here are my thoughts:

My marriage I was sure was ending, at my hand. I cannot deal with all of the ‘bad’ stuff that is going on. I started making plans for an exit, even though I still have love for my husband. I felt there was no choice and I felt, as Lysa wrote, like dust. I started praying and reflecting about a week ago. Last night, I broke into tears realizing God would handle things. YES, I KNOW He always does!! In my dark moments, I find it hard to see that He does and will. I knew in that moment of tears God would take care of me and take care of my husband. I was not to leave my marriage. I have peace knowing God will help me through all the tough times to come ❤

Isaiah 64: 8, KJV  ” But now, O Lord, thou art our father; we are the clay, and thou our potter; and we all are the work of thy hand.”

Amen.